Feeling Fearful?
Why You Should Lean In Rather Than Avoid
How have you felt over the last week? Have you noticed any emotions like worry, fear or uncertainty creep in? It is natural in times of uncertainty to feel fear, you might be concerned about how long the situation will last, how it will impact you or even how it might impact your family. While fear might feel uncomfortable, fear itself is a primitive and normal emotion that helped to keep our ancestors and now us alive by alerting us to the presence of danger.
When we feel fear, we may feel the urge to avoid something, to soothe ourselves with comfort food or reach for that extra glass of wine (or two). But research on emotional suppression suggests that when we avoid expressing our emotions it can actually do more harm than good and can lead us to experience lower social support, be less close with others and feel less satisfied socially. In addition to this, research demonstrates that when we believe we are expected to not experience negative emotions (“just look on the bright side”) and feel as if we shouldn’t show these feelings, we tend to experience more negative emotions more intensely. It’s important to know this, especially now.
The most helpful response to fear however is to let it in, acknowledge that it is there, that it is a normal reaction to times of uncertainty and loss of control. And, to recognise that it is there because our brain is trying to protect us from danger, it is sending us a warning signal to take action. If you can, try to re-frame the fear as your brain’s attempt at being ‘helpful’ rather than being a ‘bad’ emotion to get rid of and you’ll reduce its hold. To do this, when we are feeling ‘fear, anxiety, or worry’ if we lean into acceptance, self-compassion and connection we can take the fear and work through it in a productive way. Now, who wouldn’t rather that?
Helpful responses to lean into fear
1. Accept the emotion mindfully
Often when we feel fear we try and suppress or change the emotion. Instead of trying to make ourselves feel better, it can be helpful to just notice the emotion. Don’t try and change it or do anything about it, just recognise that it is present and that it’s a normal response to stressful times. You may like to say to yourself ‘I’m noticing fear and anxiety coming up right now. That makes sense because it’s an uncertain and strange time right now. I am doing my best and that is enough’. Once you’ve acknowledged the feeling, try and bring yourself back to your present moment with some deep grounding breaths.
If you have children who are experiencing fear or worry. You can use the same skill with them. Try something like “It’s an unusual time, it’s ok to feel worried, I feel a bit uncertain to but you are loved and safe and I am looking out for us”
2. Practice Self-Compassion
In difficult times our ‘inner critic’ can become overactive telling us that we ‘should be doing more’, or ‘we aren’t doing a good enough with everything’ and ‘other people are handling it better’. In these times it’s more important than ever to notice this negative voice in our heads and change up the script.
The easiest way to do this is to think about and ask ourselves ‘what would I say to a friend?’ You see, we are usually much harsher on ourselves than we are on others and so it’s important to reframe the story we tell ourselves in a way that is kind and compassionate, like the way we would speak with a friend.
3. Connect
A natural urge when we are feeling fearful is to retreat into ourselves. Self-isolation may provide opportunities for the introverts to flourish while extraverts may flounder. Whilst sometimes we need this time to recharge, try to avoid the urge to isolate ourselves completely. Stay connected with those around you, there are plenty of virtual channels that can be used to do this even when physically isolating. In addition to this, extend your self-compassion to compassion for others. Doing something kind for others has been shown to give us a positive emotion boost and will build a sense of community and shared experience that will help when feelings of fear arise.
When times are uncertain its only natural that we feel afraid for what’s to come. In these times if we can lean in to mindfully acknowledging our feelings, make a conscious effort to be kinder to ourselves and create feelings of community, we’ll be able to work through the fear and find the strength to tackle whatever life throws our way.
References
Srivastava, S., Tamir, M., McGonigal, K. M., John, O. P., & Gross, J. J. (2009). The social costs of emotional suppression: a prospective study of the transition to college. Journal of personality and social psychology, 96(4), 883–897. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0014755
Bastian, B., Kuppens, P., Hornsey, M. J., Park, J., Koval, P., & Uchida, Y. (2012). Feeling bad about being sad: The role of social expectancies in amplifying negative mood. Emotion, 12(1), 69.