Creating Connection in Stressful Times



Creating Connection in Stressful Times

For most of us, what really makes our life worth living is the relationships that we have with others. Our friends, our families our partners and even our work colleagues. There is no doubt that COVID-19 has put a strain on our relationships because times of stress make it harder to devote the energy and time to relationships that we normally would. Even if, you are suddenly spending more time with loved ones, it doesn’t necessarily mean quantity equals quality. For most of us our energy is focussed on just getting through the day.

 
Strain over home-schooling, job insecurity, finances and the burden of being in close spaces without our usual self-care outlets, for many, has resulted in relationship strains with some parts of the world even reporting a surge in divorce rates. Relationship strain is not unique to the home, when we think about how this has effected work relationships it can be harder to have the micro moments of connection we get from popping our head into someone’s office or grabbing a quick coffee.
 
Luckily, there is plenty of research on the ways that we can give our relationships a boost, and relationships are like a bank account. A positive interaction or connection leads to a deposit and a negative interaction is like a withdrawal. If we make too many withdrawals we can easily get in the red, so it's important that we learn how to make deposits into our metaphorical bank accounts regularly.

So, here are some ways that we can invest in connecting with the people around us:

1.    Build rituals of connection

It is so important to have routine ways in which you connect and check in with the people around you. In a romantic relationship you might decide to eat a meal together without phones and really be present. With your friends you might choose a time each week for a zoom call or to exercise together. With your work colleagues you might choose a time of the week where you routinely get a (virtual) coffee or make time to genuinely explore how your colleagues are going. It doesn’t matter what the activity is, it only matters that you build it into your routine and commit to spending quality time with that person.

2.    Look at the way you communicate

In any relationship, the way that you communicate matters, especially when you are communicating to express a complaint or need. It is important that you choose appropriate times to express complaints and do it in a way that takes responsibility for your own emotion. “I feel” statements are the best way to accomplish this. Once you have expressed how the behaviour has made you feel, you can follow it up with an “...and I would like you to...” in order to discuss how this issue can be resolved. Using a soft start up is going to make it more likely that the other person won’t feel defensive. If the conversation isn’t going well, you may like to pause for a second, ask the other person how they are feeling and try to come back to what you were trying to achieve.

3.    Turn towards

In relationships we make and receive bids for connection. These are small moments where you seek a positive response from a partner, friend or colleague like connection or affection or even just a laugh. This might look like your partner asking you how your day was, your friend sharing a joke or even your colleague letting out a big sigh. When there is a bid it can be responded to in three different ways, turning towards, turning away and turning against and research has shown that couples who last turn towards 86% of the time. Say your colleague has let out a big sigh, turning towards would be asking them what is wrong, turning away would be ignoring or missing the bid and turning against would be saying something like ‘you’re always complaining’. In a romantic relationship, your partner might ask if you want to go for a walk, turning towards would be saying ‘that sounds great’, turning away would be shrugging them off and turning against would be saying ‘why in the world would I want to walk right now, I’m too busy!’. While many of us wouldn’t turn against the people in our lives, it can be easy to miss or ignore bids for connection, when you start to pay attention to them you can begin to make sure that you turn towards, which will be a great boost to your relationship bank account.

Now that you know some easy ways to top up your relationships, which relationship will you start with first? How will you build rituals of connection and improve the way you communicate and interact with them? If this is something that you would like personalised help working on, get in contact to organise a one off or series of coaching sessions!

How to have a couragoues conversation without the emotion

Courageous Conversations Tip Sheet

We have all been in situations where we have to have some difficult discussions. Whether it be breaking up with someone or dealing with difficult clients. In these situations, we need the skills to have courageous conversations. Below is some information on what a courageous conversation is and how to have them.

What are they?

Courageous conversations are discussions between 2 or more people where the stakes are high, opinions vary and emotions are strong.

They are courageous because

•       There is a lot of emotion and importance invested in the subject, the outcome or the process.

•       When people are emotionally invested they are more likely to slip into aggression and debate because they feel passionate and dedicated to the cause.

•       To have a courageous conversation we need to get to a point when we can be objective and calm even if we care about the subject.

There can be two types of courageous conversations:

Fixed outcomes

•       Conversations where at least one outcome is already defined. They usually involve delivering a difficult message to someone. The reason they take courage is because we know the message will not be good or pleasant for the receiver to hear.

Open outcomes

•       There is no defined outcome and want to work together to come to a resolution. Open outcome are often the precursor to negotiation or decision making. We are not focusing on how to fix something (solution), instead we are exploring all the sides to the story and how we can understand the other person a bit better.

Steps on how to have courageous conversations:

1.     Before you Start

We need to think about what we want to get out of the conversation, so we can use this as anchor.

2.     Have a structure

Having a clear structure and communication plan helps start the conversation.

–      Start with the facts

–      Then your feelings and why this situation is important to you.

–      Ask for their facts and then there feelings

–      Really listen (no phones, no emails, no filters)

3.     Collaborate

This mean keeping in dialogue by:

–      Asking for help and the other persons contribution

–      Listening to what they other person says without judgement or critique

4.     Bring them back

If we notice someone is retreating, it may be because they feel unsafe or we are putting our point across too strongly.

If you notice they are retreating, you need to bring them back by reconnecting:

–      You don’t seem comfortable, how are you feeling?

–      You seem quiet, are you feeling okay?

If you feel people are attacking, you need to refocus them, for example:

–      Let’s pause for a minute, what are we trying to achieve?

–      It’s seems as though you are really angry and can’t work with me on this, what’s going on for you?

5.     Control Yourself

 Come back to the questions you wrote down “before you start”. If we focus on trying to solve things together we can ask ourselves “how would I be behaving now if I really did want to collaborate?”

6.     Mastery

–      Be authentic

–      Be empathetic

–      Be humble

–      Be generous

–      Be kind

Now, you’ve got this.

Relationships: why conflict matters

What if I told you the key to having a healthy relationship was conflict?

According to expert Dr John Gottman, who has spent years studying relationships and what makes them last. He says that the way your relationship deals with conflict can predict its future success. In fact, he could predict divorce in the couples he studied with over 90% accuracy, just by examining their conflict resolution style. When looking at happy couples Gottman discovered there was a special ratio to their conflict. This ratio is 5 to 1 and it means that for every 1 negative interaction during a conflict, there were 5 positive interactions.

So what does this mean?

This means that couples who could show affection, laugh or joke whilst resolving their conflict came out much better off than those who were more negative. Makes sense right?

These positive interactions are key because they counteract the damage done by the negative interactions. Another way to digest is it to think of your relationship as a bank account, negative interactions are ‘withdrawals’ and positive interactions are ‘deposits’. During conflict you can make some serious withdrawals, without enough deposits to counteract them you’ll find yourself in the red pretty quickly.

Examples of negative interactions during conflict include being dismissive of the other person’s feelings, being personally critical and name-calling, as well as body language such as eye rolling or turning away. Think about your last conflict. How many deposits were there compared to withdrawals?

If your balance was a little off, here are four things you can to improve your conflict style and relationship.

Ways to increase positive interaction during conflict:

1.    LISTEN – this one is extremely important, if your partner is trying to express something that is concerning them it is important that they feel like they are being heard. Good listening includes asking open-ended questions as well as non-verbal signals like eye contact and nods.

2.    Show empathy and understanding – you do not need to agree with everything that your partner is saying, but acknowledging you understand why they feel that way will remind them you are on their side. Saying things like “I understand why you feel this way” as well as summarising what they have said will help them feel heard and validated.

3.    Apologise – if your partner is upset with something you have done it is important that you apologise. Even if you don’t necessarily agree with why they are upset, a positive interaction could be “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, that makes me upset”. It is important any apologies given are genuine and that they do not include the word ‘but’ or sarcasm, as this can quickly turn into a negative interaction.

4.    Express affection – even though you are arguing it doesn’t mean you can’t still show your partner you care about them. Holding their hand or bringing them into a hug if they are upset can create moments of connection in an otherwise tense situation.

What will you work on first?

Increase the performance of your youngest employees with these tips

By Danielle Buckley, Workplace Psychologist and Coach

 As Generation Z make their way into the workforce, employers are forced to question how best to recruit, engage and retain our future leaders.

 The new generation entering the workforce come with unique characteristics and traits, and getting the most out of, and supporting these new workers will not only be exceedingly hard but it will require a cultural shift in the way leaders manage and work with younger workers.

 According to the 2018 Skillsroad Youth Census, which surveyed over 25,000 young Australians between 15-24, two thirds of participants said they experienced sadness, anxiety or worry that significantly impacted how they study, live or work. ,

To fully support the new generation entering the workforce, we need to focus on their wellbeing. Wellbeing is not just about green juices and going for a run, it is a broader term used to describe how ‘good’ our lives are. This involves how we function on a personal level, and includes our ability to think clearly, feel a sense of autonomy, experience positive emotions and feel optimistic. It also encompasses how we function on a social level, such as whether we have positive relationships, engage in prosocial behaviours as well as whether we are compassionate and empathetic.

 The level of wellbeing we experience has a significant impact on workplace performance including how engaged we feel at work, how we build relationships with others and the ability to bounce back following setbacks, otherwise known as resilience.

Wellbeing for workplaces

 Having employees with high wellbeing will improve your bottom line. In studies where organisations successfully manage wellbeing, the percentage of engaged employees skyrockets from 7 per cent to 55 per cent. Additionally, highly sought after soft skills like creativity and innovation have been shown to increase from 20 per cent  to 72 per cent.

Wellbeing is also related to employee health, with high wellbeing associated with a lower risk of physical health problems like heart disease, stroke and common colds, as well as better mental functioning like high levels of resilience, clear goals and low feelings of helplessness. With workers in poor physical and mental health taking up to nine times more sick leave and contributing significantly less productive hours, estimated at 94 less effective hours each month, it is increasingly important to prioritise the wellbeing of employees.

When employers say they want their staff to be more resilient, build better relationships, think more innovatively, solve more problems or think more clearly what they are really saying is that they want to improve the wellbeing of their employees.

Wellbeing for young people at work

Some important findings for workplaces are in terms of expectations, with over one third of respondents in the Skillroads survey reported that their biggest expectation when starting with a new employer is having a positive and friendly workplace environment. This was followed by coaching and mentoring and then opportunities for progression.

Also in the study, the number one reason young people would leave an employer is lack of opportunity to progress, grow and develop, followed by not being in a friendly and supportive work environment. This is important for employers and managers to note, because when it comes to retaining talent, the biggest investment you can make is in creating flourishing workplaces and to do that you need to invest in creating flourishing individuals who have high levels of wellbeing and skills to coach and engage the next generation.

As for companies that did this, the results were evident. Youth who reported knowing what was expected of them at work had significantly higher levels of wellbeing than those that did not know what was expected of them. Youth who felt cared about at work, had significantly higher levels of wellbeing than those that did not. Youth who rated their manager positively, had significantly higher level of wellbeing that those that did not rate their manager well.  

Here are three things every manager or employer of youth need to focus on if they want to improve wellbeing and their bottom line.

1.     Relationships matter: Employers/managers need to invest in building relationships at work, young people want workplaces where they know what is expected from them, where they feel supported and valued and they have social connections.

2.     Build a positive workplace environment: Young people want to go to work and work in a positive and friendly workplace where they feel cared for.

3.     Create a coaching culture: Having clear expectations and knowing what is expected of a young person significantly improves their wellbeing. This means managers, supervisors and staff need to invest in developing the tools to be coaches and create a culture and environment that supports and encourages basic coaching practices.

Young people expect that employers will value them, invest in and provide opportunities to develop social connections. As we know, social connections are an integral part of wellbeing. Investing in wellbeing can be as simple as investing in building quality relationships, developing clear guidelines and boundaries and having a supportive manager who enables a young person to feel cared for at work.

These practices alone improve employee functioning, which in turn improves their performance and your productivity. In business today, employers shouldn’t be asking should they invest in wellbeing, they should be reflecting on what they will lose if they don’t.