What if I told you the key to having a healthy relationship was conflict?
According to expert Dr John Gottman, who has spent years studying relationships and what makes them last. He says that the way your relationship deals with conflict can predict its future success. In fact, he could predict divorce in the couples he studied with over 90% accuracy, just by examining their conflict resolution style. When looking at happy couples Gottman discovered there was a special ratio to their conflict. This ratio is 5 to 1 and it means that for every 1 negative interaction during a conflict, there were 5 positive interactions.
So what does this mean?
This means that couples who could show affection, laugh or joke whilst resolving their conflict came out much better off than those who were more negative. Makes sense right?
These positive interactions are key because they counteract the damage done by the negative interactions. Another way to digest is it to think of your relationship as a bank account, negative interactions are ‘withdrawals’ and positive interactions are ‘deposits’. During conflict you can make some serious withdrawals, without enough deposits to counteract them you’ll find yourself in the red pretty quickly.
Examples of negative interactions during conflict include being dismissive of the other person’s feelings, being personally critical and name-calling, as well as body language such as eye rolling or turning away. Think about your last conflict. How many deposits were there compared to withdrawals?
If your balance was a little off, here are four things you can to improve your conflict style and relationship.
Ways to increase positive interaction during conflict:
1. LISTEN – this one is extremely important, if your partner is trying to express something that is concerning them it is important that they feel like they are being heard. Good listening includes asking open-ended questions as well as non-verbal signals like eye contact and nods.
2. Show empathy and understanding – you do not need to agree with everything that your partner is saying, but acknowledging you understand why they feel that way will remind them you are on their side. Saying things like “I understand why you feel this way” as well as summarising what they have said will help them feel heard and validated.
3. Apologise – if your partner is upset with something you have done it is important that you apologise. Even if you don’t necessarily agree with why they are upset, a positive interaction could be “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, that makes me upset”. It is important any apologies given are genuine and that they do not include the word ‘but’ or sarcasm, as this can quickly turn into a negative interaction.
4. Express affection – even though you are arguing it doesn’t mean you can’t still show your partner you care about them. Holding their hand or bringing them into a hug if they are upset can create moments of connection in an otherwise tense situation.
What will you work on first?