Courageous Conversations Tip Sheet
We have all been in situations where we have to have some difficult discussions. Whether it be breaking up with someone or dealing with difficult clients. In these situations, we need the skills to have courageous conversations. Below is some information on what a courageous conversation is and how to have them.
What are they?
Courageous conversations are discussions between 2 or more people where the stakes are high, opinions vary and emotions are strong.
They are courageous because
• There is a lot of emotion and importance invested in the subject, the outcome or the process.
• When people are emotionally invested they are more likely to slip into aggression and debate because they feel passionate and dedicated to the cause.
• To have a courageous conversation we need to get to a point when we can be objective and calm even if we care about the subject.
There can be two types of courageous conversations:
Fixed outcomes
• Conversations where at least one outcome is already defined. They usually involve delivering a difficult message to someone. The reason they take courage is because we know the message will not be good or pleasant for the receiver to hear.
Open outcomes
• There is no defined outcome and want to work together to come to a resolution. Open outcome are often the precursor to negotiation or decision making. We are not focusing on how to fix something (solution), instead we are exploring all the sides to the story and how we can understand the other person a bit better.
Steps on how to have courageous conversations:
1. Before you Start
We need to think about what we want to get out of the conversation, so we can use this as anchor.
2. Have a structure
Having a clear structure and communication plan helps start the conversation.
– Start with the facts
– Then your feelings and why this situation is important to you.
– Ask for their facts and then there feelings
– Really listen (no phones, no emails, no filters)
3. Collaborate
This mean keeping in dialogue by:
– Asking for help and the other persons contribution
– Listening to what they other person says without judgement or critique
4. Bring them back
If we notice someone is retreating, it may be because they feel unsafe or we are putting our point across too strongly.
If you notice they are retreating, you need to bring them back by reconnecting:
– You don’t seem comfortable, how are you feeling?
– You seem quiet, are you feeling okay?
If you feel people are attacking, you need to refocus them, for example:
– Let’s pause for a minute, what are we trying to achieve?
– It’s seems as though you are really angry and can’t work with me on this, what’s going on for you?
5. Control Yourself
Come back to the questions you wrote down “before you start”. If we focus on trying to solve things together we can ask ourselves “how would I be behaving now if I really did want to collaborate?”
6. Mastery
– Be authentic
– Be empathetic
– Be humble
– Be generous
– Be kind
Now, you’ve got this.