When something goes wrong in a friend’s life, how do you respond? Typically, the answer to this would be something like, “I help them out” or “I make sure they’re okay”. But what if I asked you the question; how do you respond when things go wrong in your own life?
Most people have a tendency to be their own harshest critic. This comes from the belief that by criticising things we do not like about ourselves we will be motivated to fix them. But what if we were able to be as kind to ourselves when something goes wrong as we would be if it were our friend? This idea is the basis for self-compassion, which was developed by Dr Kristin Neff. Self-compassion is having a positive attitude towards yourself and recognising that mistakes, setbacks and negative emotions are all part of being human. Being high in self-compassion is associated with being more kind to others as well as being able to cope better in negative situations and having better mental wellbeing.
A criticism of self-compassion is the belief that by showing ourselves kindness towards our flaws we will become unmotivated and refuse to take responsibility for our actions. However, research has shown these ideas to be false, as being self-compassionate actually makes us more likely to take responsibility for our actions, because we are able to do so without beating ourselves up about it. One particular study asked people to recall a past negative event that they were involved in in a self-compassionate way and found that compared to those who were not encouraged to be self-compassionate, people were more likely to take personal responsibility for the event and less likely to feel negative emotions as a result.
The key to self-compassion? Not confusing it with self-indulgence. A good question to ask yourself is; is this helping or harming me in the long run? For example, letting yourself take a break to relax is likely not going to harm you in the long term, however eating 2 litres of ice cream might!
The 3 elements of Self-Compassion
Self- Kindness
Self-kindness refers to treating oneself kindly in times of failure or pain rather than being critical or judgemental.
Mindfulness
Mindfulness involves being aware of painful emotions or feelings without identifying with them. It is important to acknowledge that painful feelings exist, but this doesn’t mean they need to be upsetting every time they arise. Imagine your mind as the sky and those painful feelings as clouds which can float away.
Common Humanity
Common humanity involves acknowledging that you are human and that everyone makes mistakes. Your experience is likely shared by many other people in the world and you are not alone in it.